Updated: Jun 13, 2019
Happy Mother's Day to all of our #JollyJosh mummies x
It’s been 1 year and 7 months since Joshua passed away, how is that so? Time seems to stand still and yet the world keeps turning, some moments feel like Joshua is still here, others like the loss is new and sometimes it already feels like a lifetime ago since I held him in my arms.
My arms do not cradle both my children today, nor do they any other day, though they long to, instead they try to keep busy to distract me from this loss, in-between scooping up Sophie for bursts of strength and comfort. Sophie is our sunshine, our ‘Sophie Sunshine’.
All I ever wanted to be in life was a Mummy, Sophie and Joshua were huge blessings! Life changed the day I had children, I became the ‘me’ I’d always wanted to be- I became ‘Mummy.’
Looking back at our memories and the photographs we had such moments of bliss, pure perfection. Then there are the photographs that also show the sheer sorrow, that of our brave boy battling and of our heavy, broken hearts yet we continued to make memories and strived to let Josh experience the world, on the one hand we were lucky that we could facilitate this-others are not so lucky.
Our photographs and video footage are priceless, there are days when the memories bring great comfort, there are days when the memories evoke anger- at the fact that Joshua was taken from us. There are days when they bring about confusion, how did this happen? Why us? There are days when they bring happiness as to how lucky we were to have those moments. Every day since Joshua passed brings a different emotion; during the day I must experience such a range that it is incredibly emotionally tiring.
The oncoming of the Spring weather has brought about a huge emotional awakening, everything about Spring/Summer brings about a ‘déjà vu’. I’m being overloaded with sensory memories, smells, sounds, warmth, all of which send me daydreaming into flashbacks, perfect flashbacks of when Joshua was physically here. The sense is so strong.
This year is almost more difficult as the ‘firsts’ have been done, last year we had to celebrate every occasion for the 1st time without Josh, people expected us to be broken, this year it already feels as though the world has moved on- as it does and should for everyone else. For us, we don’t ‘move on’ we simply try our best to ‘keep going’, for we understand more than most that ‘life is short.’
This Mother’s day, had we have been blessed we should have been celebrating with 3 children, Sophie, Joshua and a brand new arrival with the due date 10th March. However, we experienced a miscarriage and were left understandably devastated. We are however, now able to announce the hopeful news that we are expecting a ‘rainbow’ baby BOY in August! A ‘rainbow’ baby follows infant loss and/or miscarriage and just as a beautiful, bright rainbow follows a storm, a rainbow baby brings light and hope after darkness. The due date of this baby (James’ birthday) comes at a time when we had to say ‘good bye’ to Joshua, making for a very emotional month. We have a very long journey ahead of us, knowing that #MitochondrialDisorder is genetic brings obvious anxiety and this journey into parenthood will not be as relaxed as our previous experiences. This pregnancy is only just beginning to feel real (partly because I now have a big bump) as I've sadly not allowed myself to get too excited due to being scared that we may experience another loss. We are of course thrilled, anxious but hopeful, we continue to believe and have hope…
‘Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true!’