We are now four years into our grief journey, and it’s not become any easier, time IS NOT a healer. I no longer cry every day, but Joshua is in my thoughts throughout, casting a feeling of numbness, a sense of emptiness. Upon reflection, I changed the day that Joshua passed away, I didn’t want to but how could I not? I have felt the most mental and physical pain humanly possible, child loss. Its effects are life changing, personality changing and I’m now learning that I c
To James on Father’s Day 2021, (an edited version from 2019) You are appreciated for being the most amazing Daddy to our children. You have supported me in every way since our lives were torn with the grief of learning that our son Joshua had experienced extensive brain damage (aged 6 months old) but especially since our lives were ravaged by his terminal diagnosis just one week after his first birthday. More so, you have been my protector and the person that I’ve come to dep
At present @ITV @Coronation Street are revealing a storyline for Jane Danson (Leanne Battersby) and Simon Gregson (Steve McDonald). This story of a #mito diagnosis became our reality on this day in 2017, just 8 days after Josh's 1st birthday, after months of incorrect ‘viral’ diagnosis’, hospital admissions and then confirmation of extensive brain damage. We arrived at ‘that day’ On this day, I remember being so very cold, my body went into shock and I couldn’t stop shaking.
As the nation celebrates #VEday #VE75, our family not only reflects in celebration of freedom and victory, we also remember Joshua, on what would have been his 4th birthday. My thoughts this year are in the form of a poem, as I consider all the things that Joshua would have become, aged 4... If only! #emptyarms #childbereavement #childloss This year, due to #lockdown #covid19 #coronavirus #pandemic Joshua's birthday gathering at his memorial oak tree was a quieter occasion.
Yesterday, for a brief moment I thought I saw Joshua. It of course was Oliver but I've never seen him looking so much like his big brother, so much so that I was taken aback, so shocked that I cried. Oliver is currently the same size that Joshua was when he passed away, he is now wearing the very last of his brother's clothing. I was unsure as to how I felt about Oliver wearing some of Joshua’s clothes but I decided that it’s what would normally happen, brother’s would wear ‘
Today Oliver is 6 months old! I have no idea where the time has gone, for most this is a simple monthly milestone, for us it's a sigh of relief... The past six months have, in truth, been very difficult, Oliver is loved and adored but he's been a very different baby to Sophie and Joshua due to terrible reflux and colic. We honestly feel as though we've been in a whirlwind, and with severe lack of sleep as Oliver has struggled to settle, unfortunately he hasn't been the most
Moving forward into a New Year is always difficult for us, the further time passes, the more we feel that people expect us to have ‘moved on’ from our grief. This will never be the case, we have come to terms with the fact that we carry this weight of emotional and physical pain, forever. No amount of ‘New Year, New Start’ catchphrases will enable us to overcome being bereaved parents. There’s also an overwhelming sense of heartache that is inflicted in knowing that our life
Oliver is 3 months old, I admit that I feel as though I’d been thrown in to a whirlwind since July and this is the first time that I’ve sat back to reflect upon it, it’s been exceptionally tough! Any neonatal journey is difficult, having your baby enter this world before its due date is petrifying the key questions being, will my baby survive? Will there be long term health/medical issues? Etc. For me, I knew that having a baby after losing Joshua would be emotional but I p
Sophie, Joshua’s older sister started nursery just ten days after Joshua passed away, an extremely difficult transition for her and for me. Our attachment meant that in the rawest of grief we needed each other, therefore she only did very short sessions which developed with time. This week Joshua should have begun his nursery adventure, instead we mark two years since his funeral. I use the term ‘funeral’ loosely. If truth be told I was unable to give Joshua the funeral he de
Joshua and Sophie are now older siblings, their brother Oliver James couldn’t wait to make his arrival! On Saturday 6th July, Oliver James was born at 15:17pm after spontaneous labour which came as a huge shock to us all at 33 weeks plus 3 days. We are all absolutely besotted and overwhelmed with love, Oliver's arrival was an extremely emotional experience, more so than most births, due to the devastation of us having experienced #childbereavement. Oliver is currently on the
To James on Father’s Day 2019, You are appreciated for being the most amazing Daddy to our children. You have supported me in every way since our lives were torn not only with the #grief of learning of Joshua’s brain damage but especially since our lives were ravaged by his #terminaldiagnosis. I couldn’t bear to face the facts when we were told of Joshua’s fate. I couldn’t even look at the consultants, though I was in shock I remember you holding me and you’ve held me ever si
These photographs 1 year apart... 💙💔💙 On the 16th May 2016, our world was perfect, Josh was 8 days old being doted on by his loving sister as always! One year on, on the 16th May 2017 we were in, Manchester Children's Hospital, this picture shows the strength of our love but it also shows a small snippet of the desperation to make memories during the absolute devastation we experienced on the exact day we learnt that our precious boy Joshua would not survive. The 16th May
Today, 8th May 2019 we mark our beloved, brave Joshua’s 3rd birthday. It breaks our hearts not to be celebrating as we should be, to only have the ‘what ifs’ of imagining what would have and should have been, to see our little boy opening his gifts on his special day, to holding a celebratory birthday party and to glimpsing at the hopes and wishes of all the things to come in his next year. Joshua was born via a planned home birth May 8th 2016, we were overwhelmed with love.
#MothersDay 2019 Happy Mother's Day to all of our #JollyJosh mummies x It’s been 1 year and 7 months since Joshua passed away, how is that so? Time seems to stand still and yet the world keeps turning, some moments feel like Joshua is still here, others like the loss is new and sometimes it already feels like a lifetime ago since I held him in my arms. My arms do not cradle both my children today, nor do they any other day, though they long to, instead they try to keep busy t